I've been working on this album on and off for over two years now. It took a while to fully articulate the cognitive dissonance and the storyline I wanted to present here, and I think I got as close as I'm ever going to get. All songs written, performed, mixed, and ruined by Tucker. Mastered by elemproducer in the UK. Recorded in my bedroom in an overpriced apartment in Terre Haute and in my bedroom closet in Uptown, Chicago.
Special Thanks to the following people:
- Lauren and Wesley for giving early and often feedback on the album
- Erin for giving feedback on the album and sending me the wall of text that inspired track 2
- Rebecca for giving feedback on the album
This music is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. To view a copy of this license, visit this Creative Commons page. I would also appreciate it if you told me about it - it'd be cool to see where they're used.
Riddled
...and I still don't know what to do. I'm cut short by the misery of wasted youth and I can't seem to get it right. Nothing left, but still it's fine. Go ahead and make it all okay, it probably won't matter by the end of the day It's fun to make a new house your home but it's harder to do that to those that you love. Let it go because it's all in the past, but hold on to it still to make the memories last. Just try and walk around even though you won't make a sound. I swear to God I'm a decent man and I try to be fair and the best that I can but I... I... I... oh forget it.
Pick Me Up
I'm in love. No, it isn't as good as it sounds. There's regret every time my heart pounds when you're near, but I don't want to hear the truth anymore. And I've tried so damn hard to go back to where I was before all of this, but you broke me, and I broke myself. Fell to far. Now my ego is spilled in the back of my car, and I wish I felt pain... but I never let me feel. Pick me up. I just want you to pick up your phone. I just want you to see I'm alone with my thoughts, and all I can think is I'm a mess. And I tried not to blame you for this, but I also tried hard not to care what you did. But you made me feel like a kid. I went home, even though I hate being alone (although there isn't much difference because I'm never with you - it's like I'm just #2). And I tried to change myself, but I couldn't decide what I wanted to be like. I was changing for you, but you felt nothing new! I wish I could make all of this right, but it hurts too much to see you live your life. Well, I'm just trying to live mine. So, don't pick me up. I don't want you to pick up your phone. I don't want you to see I'm alone with my thoughts. And all I can think is I'm a mess, and I tried not to blame you for this, but I also tried hard not to care what you did, but you made me feel like I'm in love. But it turns out that that wasn't enough.
Fine Tomorrow
I've made this mistake so many fuckin' times, watching Modern Family till I fuckin' die. And I can't count the times that I've gone to sleep when I should have stayed awake just dreaming... Get this shit out of my head - that I'd rather lie awake in bed than see what my life could be like if I was somebody very different. I'll grab my things and charge my phone. I've deleted all those dating apps although I'm terrified of being alone. And I'm sure that I'm gonna be just fine tomorrow. If I could run away I fucking would, but I doubt that would do me any good. Running from my problems has never seemed to get me closer to my answers. But it's probably a piece of cake. I had braces so my smile is fake and I'm running out of places on my psyche to scar and there's no way out but going out there. Take a deep breath and close your eyes even though you know when you open them you'll never be surprised! I'll grab my keys and charge my phone. I've deleted all those dating apps although I'm terrified of being alone. And I'm sure that I'm gonna be just fine tomorrow.
Cooling Breeze
The days, the weeks, and the months go by and they won't miss me when I leave. To spend the day alone just sucks but it's exactly what I need. I'm holding on to snap streaks like they hold some sort of comfort. And I say to lose all hope as if I was some sort of expert! I shouldn't have to get drunk just to hold a conversation and I shouldn't have to fall on the couch in my own exasperation. It's ninety degrees where I stand and I wish it would get warmer, but the cooling breeze and the distant trees will make me die a weak performer. Fuck this noise, I'm going home but I'll regret it when I get there. And I know it doesn't matter 'cause there are problems everywhere. The lawn is dry, the grass is dead, and the other side is barren. And I hold myself to such high standards, but when should I stop caring? The funny part is I never seemed to learn the things I had to, I figured it'd all fall in place and just because I never had to. I can't relive all the happiness because it all just brings me down. And I wish that I could tell you when I'll leave this fucking town!
Rusty
I'm loosing interest in the people I love. I'm turning into things that I couldn't trust. And I don't know what I should do today. I don't have much time 'cause I woke up late. I'm moving faster than the speed of my thoughts. I can't control the things that I have forgot. And I can't bear the thought of being alone, but it's the only thing my thoughts can condone. Sometimes I lay awake and wonder who the hell will save me. I know it should be me and I'm sorry that I'm lazy. The morbid thoughts and distant cries are all that is ascending. The people I haven't pushed away know I'm not worth defending... I think that I forgot the point of this song, but I'm sorry we haven't talked in so long. There's a lot of stuff that I probably missed. And I wish this wasn't too late to fix.
Kevin is Pathetic
Diving in distractions like I shouldn't care. Being trapped in decent discourse like I shouldn't dare. And the point of speaking loudly is so people can hear... At least that's what I thought. Empathy is wasted just on those who can feel, not the ones who can't determine if something is real. And the silence gets unnerving when you're all alone, and I'm tired of this bullshit now. 'Cause you were never there for me. I kept thinking eventually, but I've wasted all this time and now I can't go back and I don't know what I'm doing now. Cause you were never there for me. I look at the sky, and I still don't feel free, but Kevin is pathetic and he's full of shit and I wish that I was stronger now. Cause you were never there for me. Move along, there's nothing to see, and I had to force a difference even though it would hurt, and I'm doubting every choice I make. It's not shock that I can't find her in this crowded place with a drink in my hand and no smile on my face while I'm standing by the window trying to get some air because it's so damn hot in here and I panic 'cause the exit's always just out of reach as I dig through all the habits that are hard to unteach I got shitfaced just so I could have a reason to say that I think about you every day.
Pick Me Up (Reprise)
I'm in love. No, it isn't as good as it sounds. I can't tell what I want and I feel so ashamed, but I don't want to fight with myself anymore. And I've tried so damn hard to go back to where I was before all of this. So I know that I should give you my keys and take my phone. I'll delete all of those dating apps because I'm terrified of being alone. But I don't think that I'll be just fine just give me some extra time! No, don't pick me up. I'm not going to pick up my phone. I don't want to go home to be alone with my thoughts where all I can think is I'm a mess. And I know I deserved all of this. And I know that I tried very hard not to care... I tried so hard not to...
Awake for Good
I thought the whiskey was enough to quell my hate, and I worried that nobody else could relate. In a way, I guess you could say neither could I. I sat down to write a song about your place in my life but the effort was just a waste so I found all the others I wrote and I threw them away. The story that they told didn't work well anyway. I thought the whiskey was enough to drown my fear, or at least I thought that it could drown out the mere Exposure to you, but we both know that it didn't work. I would memorize your features if I thought it would help, but every night I descend into my personal hell Because my dreams seem to hurt me more than real life ever could Sometimes I wish that I could just stay awake for good.
Soul Crushing
These sleepless nights have gotten to me for the last time. It's not that I'll stop having them, but I can start to justify the nasty shit I said to you last night. I can tell you why I did it but that doesn't make it right. I know that I'm afraid of what I don't understand, that's why when I look in the mirror I shake and shit my pants. All the while I can see you reaching out. I try best to call out to you but my voice won't make a sound. The gripping fear is fake enough to call me on my shit. Nothing lasts forever because forever doesn't exist. I wanted to believe that you all left me, when really it was me who had left you. And they aren't lying to you when they say you can't go back which makes sense to me from your point of view. I got a Groupon for therapy and that shit didn't help because all she told me was to lie to myself. I've disappeared into a cave and missed my chance to start again but now I can't trust myself to tell the truth again. I told you to believe me when I said this was a show, 'cause even stones get weathered don't you know? And I hate to say that I told you so! I've stopped caring what time I get home 'cause the silence is distracting when I'm alone. There's nothing waiting for me so I have to make shit up. But sometimes I can't tell if that's enough.
I'm Not Above It
When the curtain closes, are you the same off stage? When your battles are chosen, are you confident in your rage? Does it really matter if no one catches you when you fall? But it shouldn't shock you to know that I'm not above it at all. Do I want you 'cause I'm alive, or am I alive because I want you? I worked hard to get better but I'm afraid of being new. I try to dig a deeper meaning in life but I only get face value. And I know I'm gonna die alone, because I don't know how not to. I've never been sedated, but I've never wanted it more. The point of waking up is feeling things you never felt before. And I worked so hard to find my truth but it was never any fun. But my soul is crushing on yours, just when I thought I didn't have one.